I've decided to try to blog again. It's been so long, I don't even know if I remember how. How I choose to use this space is going to come as a complete mystery. I may update almost every day, or I may not post once (after this post, of course). But I figured this might make a great place to jot down my thoughts and my adventures and it would be great to be able to look back on this years from now and re-live my feelings and my emotions.
I am making one of the biggest changes in my fraction of time on this earth. I am picking up and leaving the only sanctuary I've ever known. My bedroom will lay empty for at least six months while I drag a very small amount of my things onto a plane and haul them off to a home that I will share with five other people. I am converting to a completely opposite atmosphere from what I've grown comfortable in. I am moving to Honolulu, Hawaii.
Just for future sake, I'll talk a little bit about where I'm at in my life right now. I am 20 years old, living with my parents in the same house that I've lived in since I was born, located in a small town in Washington State. It's cold, rainy, and glum here. But the scenery can be breathtaking. I have been going to school trying to get into a program for Diagnostic Ultrasound at a community college. I have also been working at the Navy Exchange retail store for about a year and a half to pay for schooling.
One night, a few weeks ago, I got a text message from Jodi, the woman whose kids I used to take care of. She recently moved to Hawaii and wanted to know that if by some crazy chance I'd want to move down there with her family and nanny for them again until they could get the kids in a daycare (which would be around six months due to lack of space in their daycare centers). I told her I'd think about it and let her know.
I racked my brain for the next couple days thinking of reasons I should do it, and reasons I shouldn't. I had good reason not to, because it would cause me to fall behind on my schedule for my career and finishing school, and I didn't want to quit my current job because I liked it. After about two days, I told her I'd do it. And that's how I got to where I am right now. Writing this blog. What was the deciding factor, you ask? The realization that I was lying to myself.
In the past year, I have done nothing but damage myself. My job was great, I worked with people that I cared about, and was in a positive atmosphere most of the time. But in that entire year, I didn't have one penny to show for all my hard work. I had spent all my money on splurge emotional shopping that I only recently realized is becoming a big problem in my life. On top of that, I've gained over fourty pounds and sunken into a depression. I haven't been trying my best in school and my attitude has become an overall "oh well" funk. I have gotten to the point that I don't care. I don't care about anything, and I don't want to live my life in a fog, missing out on great things because I simply "didn't care". I saw this opportunity as a sign from God, whom I've also found myself not caring about as much as I need to. This is an opportunity to get a hold of my life and myself again. I miss spending time putting on makeup and dressing nice to feel good about myself. I miss the competitive attitude I had, continually bettering myself in areas such as fitness and education. I miss the close relationship I had to God and my faith. I miss having daily encounters with him instead of just getting mad at him and using him as someone to blaim when something in my life doesn't go how I want it to. I just miss caring. I miss my strong emotions and opinions about things. I miss my life.
I have a little over fourty-eight hours before I board my plane and open a new chapter in my life, and I'm feeling very mixed emotions. I feel sad, because I'm leaving behind everything I love. My family, my friends, my animals, the life I've always known. And I'm feeling a bit anxious, because I'm going to be away for a minimum of six months, and a lot can happen in that time. I worry for my grandmother, who I will see tomorrow for the last time before I leave. I worry that it may be the last time I ever get to see her. She's almost 90 years old, and everyday becomes precious and sacred when you're that old. You just never know when it's your last day. I also worry for my cat. He is the most important thing in my life besides my family. He has let me cry in his fur for the last nine years, when I was struggling most to grow and understand life. Now is the time when I need him more than ever, and I have to leave him behind. He is also getting old and his health is starting to get worse. I worry that something will happen to him when I'm not here. That is my biggest fear. I know the day will come when he won't be around anymore, but I don't think I'm ready for that day anytime soon. I just pray God will keep him around until I return back home.
I am also feeling hopeful. I am ready for a new beginning and new adventures. I hope to possibly meet new people and develop new dreams. I want to take this beautiful opportunity and do as much as I can with it. I want to see as much as I can and experience all that there is to experience. I want to feel raw emotions like I have before, and I want to grasp my life in my hand like I was born to live the most beautiful life. I want to be taken out of my comfort zone and shown that being uncomfortable is a wonderful thing. I just want this experience to save me. I'm not sure what exactly I want to be saved from. Maybe just the funk I've been in. Or maybe myself. But I want to be saved, and to be shown there is more to life than what I've been allowing myself to see. I am hopeful for so much. I know God's plan is good, and I know he will do whatever he needs to in order to make me grow. Maybe this is me growing. Maybe this is my time. And for that, I can't wait to see what's next.
No comments:
Post a Comment