Ohana Means Family

This week has been really rough, and I probably shouldn't be writing when I'm in a bad mood because then this post will be really negative, but it's the only chance I've had to sit down and blog for a while. Things have been insane. Like, literally wanting to pull my hair out insane. But I was able to get a few adventures in since I posted last and I want to share those first because they were pretty incredible.

First of all, on April 9th I ventured out back to Waikiki looking for a place to eat. Jodi was making a yucky chili dinner and had friends over so I wanted to get out. I had found a specific restaurant online that looked good so I set out initially trying to eat there. Somehow I couldn't find it and my phone had died so I wasn't able to look up the address, so I walked down the Waikiki strip looking for something else. I stumbled on a building that had a big sign that said "Top of Waikiki, rotates 360 degrees while you eat" and I immediately went in. It reminded me of the space needle, and I knew I couldn't miss out on this. It was an extremely fancy place, one of the fanciest places I've ever been in. It had a sign that said no beach wear, and I was dressed in a sun dress and flip flops so I wasn't sure if they'd let me eat there but it was no problem. The menu was small, only having seafood or steaks/ribs as an option. They had a couple different appetizers though and I settled for a caesar salad and side of ribs. The food was good but overpriced. It was the view that made it worth it. Absolutely beautiful, especially at night. I have never treated myself to a nice dinner like that, and it was bittersweet. The entire time I couldn't help but thank God for where I am right now in my life. I am blessed and fortunate to be able to take myself out like that, when I know many people that will never get that chance. I've come such a long way and I am so happy. It was a wonderful experience and I needed that to understand what is happening is happening for a reason.         

  The next adventure I got to go on was a couple days later when the family took their friends and I to the beach. It's a beach called Bellows, and it's a public beach as well as a reserved beach for the military. We went on the reserved part and it was nice and quiet, for a while we practically had the beach to ourselves. The kids had nothing to do with me which was nice because I spent the day relaxing. It's definitely a nicer beach than Waikiki, I plan to go back whenever I need a beach day. I was a little bit bummed that I couldn't swim in the water because I was on my period, the waves were big and the kids were having so much fun playing in it. But there's always next time.

I also want to mention a day that we went to one of Jodi's friends' house. I didn't take any pictures but I enjoyed it a lot. Her friend, Ashley, is the one who's baby I took care of a couple of times. She's very sweet. Going to her place really put my motivation into perspective. Obviously she lives in Hawaii which is awesome enough, but she lives in one of the classiest towns on the island. Her house is worth close to a million dollars, and it's complete with a beautiful yard and swimming pool in the backyard. She's renting it for like, around $3,000 a month. Her husband is navy, and she's a nurse. And it made me realize that if I work hard enough, I just might be able to afford something like that. My dreams can become a reality if I'm willing to put the effort into it. I know material things aren't what make life worth living, but my entire life, I've always dreamed of living in a beautiful house with a beautiful family. It was a eye opener and a reminder of what I'm working for.

Other than those few outings, I haven't done much. I've been trying so hard to work on having a more positive attitude. I've been doing better about not eating so much, although I find myself walking into the kitchen twice as much on rough days. I'm glad this family doesn't have a lot of junk in their house otherwise I'd eat it. And saving my money has also been a bit challenging. I've been spending more than I want to, but I'm working on it.

I think the hardest part of this whole thing right now is keeping my patience. And surprisingly, it's not patience for the kids that I need. It's patience for Jodi. I feel very under appreciated and taken advantage of. I understand that it's nice to have an extra person around the house, but she's definitely taking advantage of me. She never picks up after herself and leaves the house a complete pigsty, knowing that I'll clean up after her because my OCD kicks in and I can't stand living in a dirt pile. She makes a bigger mess than the kids! My job is to be a nanny, not a maid. And as far as being a nanny, I feel like I've completely taken over as the kids' parent! I am with the kids for 11 hours during the day, I wake them up at 6am and Jodi doesn't come home until after 5pm. And once she gets home, she goes upstairs and showers, then comes down and cooks dinner, completely ignoring the kids. Then after dinner she sits on the couch on her phone for a while, then tells the kids to take a shower and go to bed. I'm not even exaggerating when I say she doesn't spend any time with the kids. And Kyle hasn't even deployed yet. I am NOT looking forward to when he leaves, because I think I might explode. I can only do so much, I need a break too. Everyday she asks more and more of me, and I know for a fact that if she tried to find someone to do what I'm doing for her now, they'd require triple the salary that she's giving me. I definitely feel frustrated but I don't feel like I can sit down and talk to Jodi because she's not a very understanding person. Poor Sierra poured her heart out to me yesterday because she hadn't memorized all the words for her spelling test that would be today. She is only in 2nd grade and she's already got the whole world on her shoulders. She told me how she doesn't feel like her mom is proud of her, and how no matter how hard she tries it's never good enough. And it's not like she's a slacker, she's a really good student and a great child. No child should feel that way. Every child should be made to felt like they are worthy and as long as they're trying their best, it's good enough. It makes me sad to know that Jodi is damaging these kids rather than building them up. I don't agree with her parenting choices and I think that's what makes this so hard for me. This week has been very hard on me, and I am already questioning if Hawaii is really worth all this heart break and trouble. Six months can either be a very long time, or it can go by very fast. I am trying so very hard to stay positive and remain calm. I often wonder if God's plan for me is to practice patience and love. I feel like I have a lot of patience, but maybe he's testing me for an even greater strength. I am unsure what his plan is right now, but I trust this is all happening for a reason.

My family is set to come here at the end of May, and every day I look at that as a reason to keep pushing forward. Coming here was much harder than I expected, but I can't let my anger and frustration get the best of me. If I let my depression take over my life, I will never be happy.