Cat Lady Gone Crazy

I already posted today, but I wanted to add something. Tonight, things pretty much blew up at the house. I became so frustrated and upset that as soon as Jodi came home I bawled my eyes out and told her everything that's been going on. About how the kids haven't been listening and fight all the time and she freaked out and sent the kids to bed. I went for a walk and when I came back all the kids' toys were sitting in the hallway, and she's going through them and getting rid of a lot of them. Although I don't necessarily agree with the choices she makes in terms of disciplining her kids, I will admit that I have absolutely no skills in terms of disciplining. I can only imagine once I have my own kids what will happen when they act out. I'm not very good with being harsh and mean. I just get frustrated and cry.

But, when I went out for some air and walked around the neighborhood, I talked to my mom on the phone and vented everything which in itself felt good. And even with all this craziness and sad feelings, I know it's God's way of making me grow. When I was on my walk, I felt God with me. There were so many stars in the sky, bright and twinkling. I haven't seen stars in so long. And the weirdest thing was that there were three different cats that followed me around. Two were black and white, and the other was gray and white. I don't know where they came from, but all of a sudden I turned around and they were following me. So I stopped and petted them and they nuzzled and purred on me. We all know how much I love cats and miss my own, and they calm me down a lot. And here God placed three of them right at my feet and showed me that everything was going to be just fine.

Tonight has got my mind doing flips and turns, and somehow I can't help but feel the plan all along was to get closer to God. I've gotten so distant and rebellious towards my faith and my feelings, that I can't help but think that the reason I was brought out here was to get back in touch with him and with myself. Every rip can be patched back together, and even when I'm torn apart, I am still able to stand on my feet and march forward.

I had hoped that God would bring me out of the funk I've been in, and even though things have been tough, I've felt things more strongly and lively than I have in a very long time. And I am grateful. It's only up from here. Here's to growing and learning to love every day. Just take it one day at a time.

Ohana Means Family

This week has been really rough, and I probably shouldn't be writing when I'm in a bad mood because then this post will be really negative, but it's the only chance I've had to sit down and blog for a while. Things have been insane. Like, literally wanting to pull my hair out insane. But I was able to get a few adventures in since I posted last and I want to share those first because they were pretty incredible.

First of all, on April 9th I ventured out back to Waikiki looking for a place to eat. Jodi was making a yucky chili dinner and had friends over so I wanted to get out. I had found a specific restaurant online that looked good so I set out initially trying to eat there. Somehow I couldn't find it and my phone had died so I wasn't able to look up the address, so I walked down the Waikiki strip looking for something else. I stumbled on a building that had a big sign that said "Top of Waikiki, rotates 360 degrees while you eat" and I immediately went in. It reminded me of the space needle, and I knew I couldn't miss out on this. It was an extremely fancy place, one of the fanciest places I've ever been in. It had a sign that said no beach wear, and I was dressed in a sun dress and flip flops so I wasn't sure if they'd let me eat there but it was no problem. The menu was small, only having seafood or steaks/ribs as an option. They had a couple different appetizers though and I settled for a caesar salad and side of ribs. The food was good but overpriced. It was the view that made it worth it. Absolutely beautiful, especially at night. I have never treated myself to a nice dinner like that, and it was bittersweet. The entire time I couldn't help but thank God for where I am right now in my life. I am blessed and fortunate to be able to take myself out like that, when I know many people that will never get that chance. I've come such a long way and I am so happy. It was a wonderful experience and I needed that to understand what is happening is happening for a reason.         

  The next adventure I got to go on was a couple days later when the family took their friends and I to the beach. It's a beach called Bellows, and it's a public beach as well as a reserved beach for the military. We went on the reserved part and it was nice and quiet, for a while we practically had the beach to ourselves. The kids had nothing to do with me which was nice because I spent the day relaxing. It's definitely a nicer beach than Waikiki, I plan to go back whenever I need a beach day. I was a little bit bummed that I couldn't swim in the water because I was on my period, the waves were big and the kids were having so much fun playing in it. But there's always next time.

I also want to mention a day that we went to one of Jodi's friends' house. I didn't take any pictures but I enjoyed it a lot. Her friend, Ashley, is the one who's baby I took care of a couple of times. She's very sweet. Going to her place really put my motivation into perspective. Obviously she lives in Hawaii which is awesome enough, but she lives in one of the classiest towns on the island. Her house is worth close to a million dollars, and it's complete with a beautiful yard and swimming pool in the backyard. She's renting it for like, around $3,000 a month. Her husband is navy, and she's a nurse. And it made me realize that if I work hard enough, I just might be able to afford something like that. My dreams can become a reality if I'm willing to put the effort into it. I know material things aren't what make life worth living, but my entire life, I've always dreamed of living in a beautiful house with a beautiful family. It was a eye opener and a reminder of what I'm working for.

Other than those few outings, I haven't done much. I've been trying so hard to work on having a more positive attitude. I've been doing better about not eating so much, although I find myself walking into the kitchen twice as much on rough days. I'm glad this family doesn't have a lot of junk in their house otherwise I'd eat it. And saving my money has also been a bit challenging. I've been spending more than I want to, but I'm working on it.

I think the hardest part of this whole thing right now is keeping my patience. And surprisingly, it's not patience for the kids that I need. It's patience for Jodi. I feel very under appreciated and taken advantage of. I understand that it's nice to have an extra person around the house, but she's definitely taking advantage of me. She never picks up after herself and leaves the house a complete pigsty, knowing that I'll clean up after her because my OCD kicks in and I can't stand living in a dirt pile. She makes a bigger mess than the kids! My job is to be a nanny, not a maid. And as far as being a nanny, I feel like I've completely taken over as the kids' parent! I am with the kids for 11 hours during the day, I wake them up at 6am and Jodi doesn't come home until after 5pm. And once she gets home, she goes upstairs and showers, then comes down and cooks dinner, completely ignoring the kids. Then after dinner she sits on the couch on her phone for a while, then tells the kids to take a shower and go to bed. I'm not even exaggerating when I say she doesn't spend any time with the kids. And Kyle hasn't even deployed yet. I am NOT looking forward to when he leaves, because I think I might explode. I can only do so much, I need a break too. Everyday she asks more and more of me, and I know for a fact that if she tried to find someone to do what I'm doing for her now, they'd require triple the salary that she's giving me. I definitely feel frustrated but I don't feel like I can sit down and talk to Jodi because she's not a very understanding person. Poor Sierra poured her heart out to me yesterday because she hadn't memorized all the words for her spelling test that would be today. She is only in 2nd grade and she's already got the whole world on her shoulders. She told me how she doesn't feel like her mom is proud of her, and how no matter how hard she tries it's never good enough. And it's not like she's a slacker, she's a really good student and a great child. No child should feel that way. Every child should be made to felt like they are worthy and as long as they're trying their best, it's good enough. It makes me sad to know that Jodi is damaging these kids rather than building them up. I don't agree with her parenting choices and I think that's what makes this so hard for me. This week has been very hard on me, and I am already questioning if Hawaii is really worth all this heart break and trouble. Six months can either be a very long time, or it can go by very fast. I am trying so very hard to stay positive and remain calm. I often wonder if God's plan for me is to practice patience and love. I feel like I have a lot of patience, but maybe he's testing me for an even greater strength. I am unsure what his plan is right now, but I trust this is all happening for a reason.

My family is set to come here at the end of May, and every day I look at that as a reason to keep pushing forward. Coming here was much harder than I expected, but I can't let my anger and frustration get the best of me. If I let my depression take over my life, I will never be happy.

Fly, Birdie, Fly!

     I got to escape my little nest tonight, and it was magical.

     It was a pretty rough day, I took care of four kids today, one which was a boy by the name of baby Warren. He's 11 months and such a sweet heart. He watches everything that goes on and has the most relaxed personality I've ever seen in a baby. Unfortunately, he was so worried that he was going to miss something that he refused to take a nap so he became so exhausted he cried until he was hoarse. He literally was so tired he didn't even know what to do with himself. I felt so sorry for him, no matter what I did he wouldn't fall asleep. It definitely caused a tense knot to form in my neck by the time his mommy picked him up. That, on top of the other three children not minding and causing problems. But I survived and Jodi and Kyle had a party with Kyle's boat buddies tonight so I asked if I could borrow the car and explore a little bit. Jodi was really great and said it was totally okay so I was super excited.

     I ended up driving down to Walmart because my prescriptions get filled there and I wanted to know how to get there so in the future I won't have issues. I grabbed a few groceries and got a chance to talk to my parents on the phone. I'm starting to feel very homesick so it was nice to hear their voices. The Walmart ended up being only about 10 minutes away from Waikiki beach so I decided to head down to the beach to relax a little bit.

     I didn't end up getting down to Waikiki until it was already dark outside, but it was still very beautiful. I ran into one of the many ABC stores to grab a snack and also bought a pretty dress (pictured below). I then headed onto the beach and parked myself in the sand to snack on an ice cream.

     God is so great, because the moment I sat down on the beach, a firework show started in the distance. It was such perfect timing, I know it was just God's way of showing me everything is going to be okay. And i really needed that tonight. I needed the reassurance that this is all worth it. I am so blessed and so happy to be here, even though I miss my family back home. It is such a pretty place and I can't wait to explore it some more. Just the short hour that I spent walking down the strip and passing hundreds of strangers, hearing the waves crash on the shore and feeling the warm air touch my face was more incredible than words can describe. There were poles with fire flaring out of them all down the strip, and all the stores lights lit up the night. There were flashes here and there from people taking pictures and couples kissing and enjoying their time together. It was so nice. I am hoping to get the chance to take some time to myself and explore like I did tonight once a week.

 
     And also, there was this really neat place on the second floor of a hotel. I couldn't tell if it was part of the hotel itself or if it was a separate restaurant, but it was one of the coolest places I've seen. It had the dripping icicle lights on the outside and people were sitting around small tables drinking and socializing. There was great music playing and neon lights flashing. I think it must've been a bar, which is why I didn't go in. But I think that's where I want to go after my birthday. It looks really awesome.

     Anyway, tonight was nice. I hope I can spend more nights like this soon.

Crash Landing

     I've been here over two days now, and this is the first chance I've gotten to relax. I've been so busy settling in and jumping right into working that I haven't had time to write about everything that has happened so far.

     To start, the plane ride was something you'd expect to see in movies. From start to finish, it was a nightmare. We were over thirty minutes late to board the plane which meant we arrived in Hawaii over half an hour late. The only reason for that was they were calling out names and having people come up and get assigned a specific "group" that told them when they could board the plane. It was really dumb to be honest but that was why we were late. Then, I got on the plane and took out my iPod to listen to music that I had just downloaded. There was over 1,000 songs on my iPod, and when I went to look at it, it showed a total of 8 songs. I don't know what happened because when I just recently uploaded more songs to it, I uploaded probably close to thirty songs but somehow it only showed eight. So listening to music the whole way turned out to be a dud. And I still need to figure out if I can fix this because it will take me forever if I have to re-upload all that music. I was upset but figured that I'd just make up for it by listening to music using the Wi-Fi from the plane. Well, turns out the Wi-Fi can only work if we're close to the United States and since the flight would take place over the ocean, there was no Wi-Fi available. As if losing all of my entertainment sources was bad enough, the actual ride was worse. There were three guys that sat in the row behind me who were loud and obnoxious almost the entire way. Immediately after take off I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep and obsessive crying that had taken place the previous two days, that I decided sleeping would help pass the time. I had just started to doze off, when the guy sitting behind me slams his window shut and causes me to jump. Then he keeps drumming on the back of my seat with his hands and letting out a small giggle. Which meant he was doing it on purpose. And I'm not even done yet. Almost the entire plane ride, there was a child screaming and crying. It wasn't always the same child, but when one stopped another would start. And then one of the mothers with one of the screaming children started to get into a confrontation with the person in front of her which I'm assuming was caused by them asking if she could quiet her child. She was talking in a raised voice about how "My husband and I are trying the best we can and I'm sorry!" About half-way through the flight (3 hours in), things started to settle down. The men behind me fell asleep and I had decided to sew on the baby blanket I brought with me. I figured maybe I could finally relax and possibly even try to nap. Wrong. As soon as the people on the flight got quiet, we experienced turbulence. And not just a little bump here and there, it was as if I was on a roller coaster. Trying to sew was nearly impossible because my hand couldn't stay steady. Walking down the aisle was awful because people were falling on other people and grabbing to seats for dear life. It was the worst turbulence I've ever had to experience. And somehow that managed to continue the entire second half of the flight. I was so glad when the I stepped off that plane. However, there was one positive thing about the ride. I sat next to a family which took up the two seats next to me and the three seats on the opposite aisle. The person sitting right next to me was a teenage boy, I'd guess around the age of 13-15. He reminded me a lot of my cousin Cobee. He looked and acted like him. And he was really nice. He kept me entertained most of the way. He talked to me and let me watch him play games on his tablet. It definitely helped pass the time more. But anyway, there's the craziness of my flight.

     Since then, I haven't done much. The first night I was here, I crashed at about 7:30 after unpacking and being shown the kids' school and introduced to teachers. Yesterday I stayed home with Carissa and we just played all day, and when the rest of the family came home, we ate dinner and played some more. Then last night, I was shown where the closest stores are so I can at least run there if I need anything. I'm still a little bit nervous to explore, especially with the youngest in the car. So I'm hoping in the next few days they'll take me a bit further and I'll get more comfortable with driving here. It's a bit confusing, it reminds me of San Diego and Seattle driving. Lots of off ramps and different directions.

      I don't really feel like I'm in Hawaii. I don't know, it feels weird. It still hasn't hit me that I'm not home. I just feel like I'm having a sleepover, I feel like I'll go home any day now. I think when I start to feel homesick it's going to hit me hard. And plus I haven't even gone to the beach yet, I've just been stuck in the house so it's weird to think I really am in Hawaii. The weather is warm, it feels like a nice day in Washington because it's roughly 80 degrees with a nice breeze. But I'm already starting to kind of go crazy because I haven't done anything. I'm thinking that by next week I will start adventuring out, maybe on the weekends or in the evenings just to get out. I walked into this thinking that they would at least try to show me around the first week, but all they've done so far is throw me into nannying full force. Last night I was the one entertaining the kids while they cooked dinner and relaxed. So I guess I feel sort of frustrated, but I'm trying to keep a positive attitude because they can only do so much in one day and I can't keep being so negative. This is such a great opportunity and I'm going to try to make the best of it.

Aloha: Hello And Goodbye

     I've decided to try to blog again. It's been so long, I don't even know if I remember how. How I choose to use this space is going to come as a complete mystery. I may update almost every day, or I may not post once (after this post, of course). But I figured this might make a great place to jot down my thoughts and my adventures and it would be great to be able to look back on this years from now and re-live my feelings and my emotions.

     I am making one of the biggest changes in my fraction of time on this earth. I am picking up and leaving the only sanctuary I've ever known. My bedroom will lay empty for at least six months while I drag a very small amount of my things onto a plane and haul them off to a home that I will share with five other people. I am converting to a completely opposite atmosphere from what I've grown comfortable in. I am moving to Honolulu, Hawaii.

     Just for future sake, I'll talk a little bit about where I'm at in my life right now. I am 20 years old, living with my parents in the same house that I've lived in since I was born, located in a small town in Washington State. It's cold, rainy, and glum here. But the scenery can be breathtaking. I have been going to school trying to get into a program for Diagnostic Ultrasound at a community college. I have also been working at the Navy Exchange retail store for about a year and a half to pay for schooling.

     One night, a few weeks ago, I got a text message from Jodi, the woman whose kids I used to take care of. She recently moved to Hawaii and wanted to know that if by some crazy chance I'd want to move down there with her family and nanny for them again until they could get the kids in a daycare (which would be around six months due to lack of space in their daycare centers). I told her I'd think about it and let her know.

     I racked my brain for the next couple days thinking of reasons I should do it, and reasons I shouldn't. I had good reason not to, because it would cause me to fall behind on my schedule for my career and finishing school, and I didn't want to quit my current job because I liked it. After about two days, I told her I'd do it. And that's how I got to where I am right now. Writing this blog. What was the deciding factor, you ask? The realization that I was lying to myself.

     In the past year, I have done nothing but damage myself. My job was great, I worked with people that I cared about, and was in a positive atmosphere most of the time. But in that entire year, I didn't have one penny to show for all my hard work. I had spent all my money on splurge emotional shopping that I only recently realized is becoming a big problem in my life. On top of that, I've gained over fourty pounds and sunken into a depression. I haven't been trying my best in school and my attitude has become an overall "oh well" funk. I have gotten to the point that I don't care. I don't care about anything, and I don't want to live my life in a fog, missing out on great things because I simply "didn't care". I saw this opportunity as a sign from God, whom I've also found myself not caring about as much as I need to. This is an opportunity to get a hold of my life and myself again. I miss spending time putting on makeup and dressing nice to feel good about myself. I miss the competitive attitude I had, continually bettering myself in areas such as fitness and education. I miss the close relationship I had to God and my faith. I miss having daily encounters with him instead of just getting mad at him and using him as someone to blaim when something in my life doesn't go how I want it to. I just miss caring. I miss my strong emotions and opinions about things. I miss my life.

     I have a little over fourty-eight hours before I board my plane and open a new chapter in my life, and I'm feeling very mixed emotions. I feel sad, because I'm leaving behind everything I love. My family, my friends, my animals, the life I've always known. And I'm feeling a bit anxious, because I'm going to be away for a minimum of six months, and a lot can happen in that time. I worry for my grandmother, who I will see tomorrow for the last time before I leave. I worry that it may be the last time I ever get to see her. She's almost 90 years old, and everyday becomes precious and sacred when you're that old. You just never know when it's your last day. I also worry for my cat. He is the most important thing in my life besides my family. He has let me cry in his fur for the last nine years, when I was struggling most to grow and understand life. Now is the time when I need him more than ever, and I have to leave him behind. He is also getting old and his health is starting to get worse. I worry that something will happen to him when I'm not here. That is my biggest fear. I know the day will come when he won't be around anymore, but I don't think I'm ready for that day anytime soon. I just pray God will keep him around until I return back home.

     I am also feeling hopeful. I am ready for a new beginning and new adventures. I hope to possibly meet new people and develop new dreams. I want to take this beautiful opportunity and do as much as I can with it. I want to see as much as I can and experience all that there is to experience. I want to feel raw emotions like I have before, and I want to grasp my life in my hand like I was born to live the most beautiful life. I want to be taken out of my comfort zone and shown that being uncomfortable is a wonderful thing. I just want this experience to save me. I'm not sure what exactly I want to be saved from. Maybe just the funk I've been in. Or maybe myself. But I want to be saved, and to be shown there is more to life than what I've been allowing myself to see. I am hopeful for so much. I know God's plan is good, and I know he will do whatever he needs to in order to make me grow. Maybe this is me growing. Maybe this is my time. And for that, I can't wait to see what's next.